SURVIVAL MODE

"It's not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change." Charles Darwin

The constant push and pull of your affection, shattered my heart into a million pieces.

Yet even when you were hurting me, I found ways to protect you.

You were a wrecking ball of emotional havoc.

Rationalizing anger and abuse while expressing your love and regret.

A toxic relationship continually recycling degradation and admiration.

There was no oxygen left.

No space to survive.

Your rage consumed while you made me believe it was my fault.

Then you showered me with affection and assurances of love.

I begged God to return us to the early days of devotion.

You would call me your soul mate.

Urge me to relax into all your promises.

Showered me with attention, till I was hooked again.

Pouring out your love until it overshadowed fear and pain.

Slowly I would regain a sense of trust.

Suppress the memories of your wicked behaviors.

Believe you were finally done.

Then you would do it all over again.

A cycle that becomes so familiar.

I no longer know how to get out.

EMH2021

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TRAUMA BONDING

Trauma bonding (traumatic bonds) are emotional bonds with an individual (sometimes with a group) that arise from a recurring, cyclical pattern of abuse perpetuated by intermittent reinforcement through rewards and punishment. It occurs when the abused person forms an unhealthy bond with the person who is abusing them. It typically occurs when the abused person has developed affection or sympathy for the abuser. This bond can develop over days, weeks, or months. Not everyone who experiences abuse develops a trauma bond.

Why does it happen?

According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, trauma bonds are the result of an unhealthy attachment.

We all form attachment as a means of survival.

When someone's source of support is also their abuser, a trauma bond can develop.

Here's an example: A child relies on their parent for love and support. When the parent is abusive, the child may come to associate love with abuse. The child believing this is normal behavior is unable to see the parent as "bad" and may instead blame themself for the abuse as a way of making sense of what is happening to them.

SIGNS OF TRAUMA BONDING

The main signal a person has trauma bonded with an abuser is, they try to justify or defend the abuser.

It can look like:

1. Agreeing with the abuser's reasons for treating them badly

2. Covering up for the abuser

3. Distancing themselves from people who attempt to help or give advice

4. Becoming defensive when someone attempts to intervene

5. Is reluctant or unwilling to take steps to leave a toxic situation

THINGS A TRAUMA BONDED INDIVIDUAL MIGHT SAY

1. "He's the love of my life. I would never leave him."

2. "He's only like that when he's drinking. You don't understand."

3. "She's under a lot of pressure at work. She can't help it."

4. "It's not my fault, she or he is just angry."

One of the most dangerous parts of a trauma bond is that the feelings of attachment don't end when the person leaves a harmful situation. A person can still feel loyal or loving toward the person who abused them or feel tempted to return to the relationship.

BREAKING A TRAUMA BOND

Breaking a trauma bond can be incredibly challenging and take time. The National Domestic Violence Hotline suggests:

1. Focus on the present. Harboring hope that an abuser will change is the #1 reason people remain in toxic relationships. Acknowledging what is currently happening and the impact it is having is a good way to redirect back to the present circumstances. Keeping a journal (if it is safe to do so) is a great way to remind yourself how you are feeling as events occur.

2. Focus on the evidence. If the abuser is making promises but not taking steps to get help but continues to make declarations of a better future, focus on that. Actions speak louder than words.

3. Positive Self-Talk. Abusers can lower a person's self-esteem and make one feel like they cannot be without the abusive person. Noticing negative self-talk is challenging. Have a trusted group of friends/family that can help you to notice when you get into this pattern.

4. Practice Self-Care. Taking care of oneself can not only help relieve stress, in turn it can help relieve the desire to return to the abuser. When we take time to care for ourselves, it alters the way we manage stress, relate to others and make choices. Journaling, counseling, exercise, hobbies, prayer/church, spending time with friends/family, joining a support group, all help reset our emotional well-being, and build networks/relationships that can provide support.

In my situation, it was my sister that recognized these behaviors. With the help of a trusted group of friends, they were gently able to bring trauma bonding to my awareness and direct me to the help I needed.

For help finding a domestic abuse therapist please click HERE