Wounds+Wisdom
2G&AN was formed after two acquaintances were introduced by a mutual friend who thought it was a good idea to bring us together because we were both recovering from abusive relationships. The fear, pain and anxiety we both felt was palpable. Although our experiences were different, we had so much in common and there was immediate connection and friendship. We shared a mutual frustration over the availability of resources, lack of understanding the many faces of domestic violence, and a shared desire to bring visibility and awareness of all forms of abuse to help others understand they are not alone. We script out how we wanted to make a difference on the back of a cocktail napkin. Hence 2G&AN was born. The list of items we desired to accomplish was long. At the top of our agenda was a web based resource and community. Our prayer is that others will recognize parts of our stories in their own situation. It took a long time for either of us to realize we were in an abusive situation, which made getting out even harder.
We want you to know we see you, we hear you, and we are for you.
Together, there is power and healing ahead.
If you are in an emergency please click here for the NATIONAL HOTLINE.
If you are in need of shelter or basic necessities please click HERE.
To find a domestic abuse therapist please click HERE.
Narcissistic Abuse
Cycle
There’s a lot of confusion about narcissistic abuse, partly because it can be difficult to recognize. Narcissistic abuse doesn’t always involve obvious physical or emotional violence. In fact, the most common form of narcissistic abuse is “psychological violence.” This type of abuse is a dizzying, confusing, merry-go-round of emotional manipulation and calculated behavior. It slowly makes the victim question themself and their reality while trauma bonding victims to an abuser.
Narcissistic abuse is much more than emotional or verbal bullying (although it can be both). Narcissistic abuse is systemic and pervasive; in fact, victims often don’t even know they’re being abused because narcissistic abusers are so adept at hiding their true intentions.
No one should suffer emotional abuse of any form. By understanding these key points, we hope that if you are struggling in a relationship with a narcissist, you can get the help you need to work towards a fulfilling relationship you deserve.
Grooming Phase
There is a process that narcissists use to hook you into their fantasy world. It’s known as the narcissists cycle of abuse, and it begins with: Love Bombing. Maybe you’ve heard of the honeymoon phase of dating. It’s that blissful, carefree period in a relationship when you are getting to know each other. Everything about your new partner is charming and endearing from the way they eat, to the stories they share, to the dirty laundry left on the bathroom floor. It’s all laughs, intimacy, fun dates and difficult to find any fault in your new love interest. But to the narcissist this is the GROOMING PHASE. They will put their best foot forward, making grand gestures like weekend trips away, shopping sprees, flowers, over the top dates. They are charming, generous, over the top complimentary making you feel like the most beautiful and valued person on the planet. They’ll put you on a pedestal and the relationship will move very fast. For you it’s so romantic. For them, they are using every opportunity to find out everything about you...what you like, dislike, your vulnerabilities, your deepest secrets, any piece of information they can utilize to mirror your thinking and behavior to endure you to them. You’ll think you’re falling head over heels in love with your soulmate and can’t believe how much you have in common. But this is a game to the narcissist and a fact-finding mission where they will later use all the information, they have gathered against you. Next comes the devaluing phase……
Trauma Bonding
Trauma bonding is the attachment an abused person feels for their abuser, specifically in relationships were there has been a cyclical pattern of abuse. After each cycle of abuse comes positive reinforcement where the abuser expresses love, regret, and attempts to make you feel safe and needed again. It’s a bond that will leave you feeling confused, overwhelmed, attached and maybe even dependent on the abuser. At the end of the day, this is your basic human need for attachment and a means of survival. It’s incredibly difficult to break this bond until your safety, security and support are intact
Devaluing Phase
This is the most confusing of times. You will spend hours, days, trying to figure out how the person that had you on a pedestal just a few weeks prior, has suddenly lost all interest in you. And most likely you will blame yourself. It's as if the person you feel so hard has an on/off switch. Your insecurities will be triggered BIG TIME and you will cling to the memory of the LOVE BOMBING phase, desperately wanting for it to come back. You'll believe your love can withstand all, you just need to be more patient, give more time and space, work on yourself, be less clingy, be more supportive. You will think it's all you. If only you could have said somehting different, been more understanding, more compassionate. But you are wrong. You have no clue that you've now been infected by a narc. Many narcs are very subtle in their manipulation and psychological abuse, and you won't cleary see that they are playing you. But here's a short list of what it might look and feel like. * Gaslighting- making you doubt your reality * Criticism - insults, rage, physical abuse, rape * Silent treatement *Withdrawing or withholding affection *Triangulation- undermining, shaming, humiliation, degrading, controlling finances, schedules, or social activities *Playing mind games or playing the victim *Smear campaign, lying, cheating This phase is incredibly painful and confusing. It will not make send and you might feel like you're losing your mind. We often stay stuckin this phase waiting on the nice person from the begginning of the relationship to return. You'll turn yourself inside out trying to placate, understand, feeling sorry for them, and trying to please. Then comes the Discard Phase......
Gas Lighting
Gaslighting is a form of manipulation and emotional abuse in which the bully or abuser misleads, creating a false narrative and making the target question their reality and judgement. Ultimately, the victim starts to feel unsure about their perceptions and ofter wonder if they are loosing their sanity. You may: * second guess memories, recent events or perceptions. * feel dazed and confused * feel like you are to blame or too sensitive Examples of Gaslighting Behavoir Include: 1. Blatant lies. You know the person is lying yet they do not admit to it or even recognize the behaviour. 2. Shifting blame and denying truth 3. Use what you love against you. 4. Loose your send of self. 5. Words do not match actions. 6. Overly shower you with love and affection. 7. Create confusion. 8. Projecting 9. Minimize or dismiss your needs 10. Alienate and isolate 11. Use love as an excuse 12. Invalidate emotions 13. Withhold information 14. Paranoia accusations
Discard Phase
Maybe they have pushed too far and you’ve had enough, and you ask them to leave or leave yourself. But more likely, they will get bored and tell you that you are not the person they fell in love with. Ironically you’re not that same person because now they have completely destroyed you. They’ll leave you in the wake of destruction for their next SUPPLY that they have possibly been grooming on the side for some time. They will discard you and walk away without even a backward glance leaving you devasted and blaming yourself. Or, perhaps they leave and come to realize the new supply is on to them and not as easy a target as they thought. Then they will be back So starts the Hovering Phase...
Smear Campaign
A smear campaign is a tool narcissit use to villanize their victim. Through systematic lies and deception, narcissist gain support from potential accomplices. This can happen in a toxic work environment, between family members, friends or romantic relationships. Being a victim of a smear campaign is heartwrenching. It is an intense tactic designed to humilaite an opponent while simutaneously elevating the narcissist. Common smear campaign tactics include: 1. accusing the victim of being crazy, bipolar, an addict, achoholic, unstable, their, cheater, etc. 2. Create a series of lies, exaggerations, half-truths, suspicions, or false allegations to undermine the victims credibility or sanity. 3. Isolate the victim from family, friends or a support group
Hoovering Phase
This is where you get sucked back in to the relationship with promises of change, therapy, and a better future. They are faking it all to make you feel sorry for them. You’ll go back to the love bombing phase and be showered with compliments, gifts, attention, anything to boost your self-esteem. And this cycle will repeat over and over again, until you start to recognize the patterns and behaviors and come to understand this is not about you, it’s always about them..The gut-wrenching reality is there is only one way to make it stop. And that is to find the courage and strength to permanently leave. Which brings us to….
Get Educated
Take Action
Recovering from interpersonal violence is a long road and requires a lot of patience, a trustworthy support system, and counseling. Helping and supporting victims of DV can make recovery more successful by encouraging victims to share their worries and what they are experiencing. You don't need to be an expert to help. You can simply make time, start a conversation, or listen without judgement.
Find a shelter for support near you by clicking HERE.
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You can also help by volunteering in a variety of ways:
1. Providing transportation
2. Donating clothing and toys
3. Help with resume building and interview skills
4. Providing child care
5. Hotline support
6. Sorting donated items
7. Fundraising
8. Administrative support at a shelter
9. Mentoring parents and children
