JUST LEAVE

"The scars you can't see are the hardest to heal." Author Unknown

You ask me why I just don’t leave?

Talk over my tears while I'm dying inside.

Can you comprehend all the shame I carry?

Are you convinced it’s my fault, and I’m to blame?

You want to know if I have tried?

Could I be a better mom, wife, or daughter?

How could I possibly make it on my own?

I’ll never find love and die alone.

Everyone believes that he’s so perfect.

He’s charming and sweet, completes my dreams.

If only I could be more caring or quiet,

He wouldn’t get angry and want to fight.

I consent I should stay and make it work.

The kids need a father and times are tough.

I can't afford a home on just my earnings.

Walking away isn’t a realistic possibility.

I know we can make it if I simply try harder.

With a little more effort we will survive.

Miracles happen and things can improve.

He never hits me so it can't be abuse.

EMH2020

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Far too often, when people hear that someone is (was) in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, the question of “Why Don’t You Just Leave?” comes up.

If you’ve never been in a toxic relationship, this seems like a logical response.

Just move on, right?

Well, it’s never that easy.

The following are a few reasons why it’s hard to leave a partner in an emotionally versus physically abusive relationship.

1. When someone becomes desensitized to constant degradation then validation in an unhealthy relationship, it's easy to rationalize these behaviors are normal and hard to recognize or realize that the relationship is actually abusive.

2. Emotional abusive destroys your self-esteem. So often, people do not realize they are being abused because there is no physical violence. Many will dismiss or downplay emotional abuse because they don’t think it’s as bad as physical abuse. Over time, the abused begin to feel they are worthless and there are no better options.

3. After every abusive incident there is a love bombing phase where the abuser apologizes, promises to change, showers the victim with attention, gifts, praise. Thus, the victim tends to minimize the original horrible behavior and clings to the hope or idea that it will not repeat, and the love phase will continue/remain.

4. It’s dangerous to leave. Not only can leaving be incredibly emotionally difficult, but it can also be life-threatening. In fact, the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is post-breakup. Women are 70 times more likely to be killed in the weeks after leaving an abusive partner.

5. What most don’t understand, is that people typically attempt to break up or break off an abusive relationship multiple times before it sticks. On average, a person in an abusive relationship will attempt to leave 7 times before it’s finally over.

6. Society perpetuates a ride-or-die mentality. People often go back to abusive relationships (see above) because they feel pressured not to give up, to forgive and forget, to try harder, or they feel they will be shamed by friends/family or considered a failure.

7. Victims begin to feel personally responsible for their partners toxic behavior. Following every conflict, an abuser will turn the situation around and make their partner feel like it was somehow their fault, and they are guilty. This type of behavior is called gaslighting. See THE WIZARD BEHIND THE CURTAIN for more information on gaslighting.

8. The victim feels that if they stick it out, something will change. Love is powerful thing. So often, victims feel a partners behavior is due to tough times or feel as though their partner will change if they just love them harder, be more forgiving, accommodating, or accepting.

9. There is often incredible social or cultural pressure to be in a relationship and a stigma of “something must be wrong with you” if you’re single.

10. People in abusive relationships often feel embarrassed to admit that their partner is abusive for fear of being judged, blamed, marginalized, pitied, or looked down on.

11. Children and shared finances are often huge reasons why people stay in abusive relationships. Dependency is further heightened when there are discrepancies in income, living situations, etc.

At the end of the day, there are endless elements that influence a victim’s decision to stay.

And while seeking help/therapy to get out of toxic relationships is incredibly important, it’s not always possible or available to all victims.

Blaming, shaming, judging, or dismissing someone for staying is never okay.

It always boggles my brain when people are more concerned with why a woman hasn’t left an abusive relationship over why a man is abusing her!

Let go of judgement.

Someone needs your love.

Someone needs your refuge.

Today, I challenge you to raise your awareness the next time someone trusts you enough to confide about their relationship.

My prayer is that if you or someone you know is in a toxic relationship, something here will resonate and be a conversation starter for finding or giving support, positive influence, or assistance in developing a safe exit strategy.