IMPOSSIBLE ARGUMENTS
- ymmharrison
- Oct 7, 2022
- 3 min read
Updated: Oct 11, 2022
“On this broken merry go ‘round, round and round we go where it stops nobody knows.” Kacey Musgraves
Riding this roller coaster of emotion, up and down
Our conversations spin in circles like a merry-go-round
Unfair tactics used to manipulate
Dodging and swerving
Blaming and shaming
You manufacture distractions to shift topics at hand
While your inappropriate actions flip us upside down
Your mood pirouettes like a circus performer
Excuses for abuses are your smoke and mirrors
Repeating crimes when you throw your knives
You control dialogue like the greatest showman on earth
A talented illusion ensuring you're never to blame
You know all the answers, pretend to never understand
There is no beginning, and this war has no end
Dizzying circles constantly spinning me 'round
Stuck in this performance where only noise remains
EMH2022
Have you ever found yourself caught in an argument with someone with narcissistic traits?
You may have noticed; they have an intense desire to win at all costs to keep their fragile ego intact.
Talking with someone with narcissistic tendencies can be challenging. Understanding the following techniques can help protect yourself.
They will minimize your distress.
If you confront a narc, they will often downplay what occurred or minimize events that took place.
It might sound like:
"Relax, it isn't a big deal"
"I did that before and you didn't care"
"I didn't think you would be so upset"
Shifting the blame to you.
Narcs typically have an innate sense of being the victim which is why they will shift the blame to you.
It might sound like:
"It's not my fault, it's because of you/money/stress/work."
"If you wouldn't have done this, I wouldn't have done that."
"You knew what you were getting into."
Gaslighting
Most narcs aren't prone to feeling or acknowledging guilt which makes it difficult for them to take accountability. As a result, they will deny they said or did something hurtful which can leave you doubting your own sense of reality.
It might sound like:
"That never happened."
"I never said that."
"You're crazy."
"There's something wrong with you."
Deflecting from arguments
When faced with undisputable proof like emails, receipts, photos, a narc will direction the attention back to you as a distraction.
It might sound like:
Indirect or non-answers, bringing unrelated details into the conversation
Bringing up old arguments or prior issues
Guilt tripping
Projection- accusing you of exactly what they are doing
SEVEN TIPS FOR RESPONDING TO A NARCISSIST IN AN ARGUMENT
Focus on the facts.
It might sound like
"In my email, I set a 5 pm deadline."
"In the lease, it states there is no smoking allowed."
"In therapy, we agreed to no drinking during the work week."
Stay calm.
Try the grey rock approach. You can also try taking deep breaths, pausing between sentences, excusing yourself for a few minutes.
Stay focused.
Try not to get derailed by the manipulation tactics. Focus on the subject at hand even if you have to write down talking points in advance.
Let go of expectation.
Common ground may not be an achievable goal. Show up for yourself and don't worry about the other side. Focus on your own healing work and be sure to take time for self-care after an argument.
Consider imposing a time limit.
If an argument is going nowhere and making your feel bad, end the interaction peacefully.
Assert your boundaries with confidence.
If you are in danger, leave immediately.
If someone starts making threats against you in any way, leave immediately.
Threats might include flipping furniture over, threatening to call police, threatening legal action, physical threats towards you, a loved one or pet, pushing, shoving, punching, throwing your phone, etc.
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